Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The Guide For the Lonely or Bored: A Netflix Essay

Below is a reprint of an essay my cover artist and oldest daughter, Jerzey, wrote for her freshman English class. It's a humor essay on her perceived types of Netflix watchers.

It's called...

The Guide For the Lonely or Bored

How do you like to spend your free time?

Do you go outside? Or maybe you play board games with your friends and family.  Do you go to parties every night, or are you like me, sitting alone in your dark living room with nothing to do?  Yes? Well then, this is the paper for you!

In this essay,  I will describe four different types of Netflixers. Hopefully, you will find your own alter ego so you can be free to travel into a dark void of no return together. But there will be TV and snacks, so there really is no downside.

The Browser 

The Browser is the person who dials up Netflix with good intentions but then sits there scrolling through hundreds of TV shows and movies until they become fed up, curse the government for no apparent reason, shut off the TV completely, and pledge to never use Netflix again, only to turn it on the next day and repeat the cycle.

If you relate to The Browser, you might also be the type of person who, when someone asks where you would like to go for dinner, responds with, “I don’t know, you decide.” In fact, you are the same person who freaks out at any decision-making whatsoever.  Now, if that’s not you, I have a few other types of Netflixers that you may relate to.

The Procrastinator

The Procrastinator is the one who turns on Netflix with good intentions, maybe to catch up on their favorite tv show by watching an episode or two. But then they realize that Netflix has added new episodes on top of the ones that they have yet to finish, so they end up watching the entire season and eating an entire bag of chips in the process.

Many of these Netflixers are lazy in everything they do. They are the best known for getting distracted or realize they have homework, but that doesn’t freak them out. They just think, “Oh, it can wait.” Or their most common saying (whether it's homework or just to get up off the couch to get more food), “I’ll just watch one more episode.”

If this relates to you, don’t worry, you are not alone.  Many suffer from the serious disease of procrastinating, otherwise known as “not caring.”  It is more common than you think.  So, don’t even think about finding help, because you have no hope for a cure, and you’re well on your way down a dark tunnel with no hope of returning.  Don’t worry though! You will see plenty of other Procrastinators going through the same dark tunnel as you.

If I still haven't touched on what Netflix watcher you are, do not fret, for we still have two other types to go.

The Fangirls/guys

Now, these are the girls (and guys) that have Netflix for maybe one or two shows that they have an obsession with.  They spend all of their time watching and “fangirling” over said TV show, and they slowly slip past the point of no return.  Now, unlike The Procrastinators, The Fangirls don’t just watch hundreds of episodes and move on with their life (you were silly for even thinking that was a possibility). They instead, after finishing their show, spend hours crying on the floor for something as traumatic as a series finale or favorite character dying.  But don’t tell them that crying over a fictional death is silly, because Fangirls are vicious, and if you upset one of them, you better run and you better run far.  If they’re not Netflixing, you will find them on the internet blogging and posting about their adored TV show or book.  Personally, I relate to The Fangirls most closely.  I have Netflix, and I watched only one show for the longest time, but Netflix thought the show wasn’t popular enough, so they removed it! But, no, I’m not salty about it at all! So, now I need to find another show to watch, but that topic is for another time. Let's move on to the last Netflixer!

If you still haven't found one that you relate to, this one may be the one, and if you’ve already found the one you are, thanks for sticking around to finish the essay.

The Correct Watcher

This is the person who does what Netflix intended Netflix for, the person who watches one, maybe two episodes and turns off the TV to continue with their life.  If this is you, you must be the life of the party (sarcasm intended).  You are probably also a person who works in a cubicle and actually enjoys their job.  You are the person everyone hates (no offense) because you are the so-called “goody two shoes,” the one who always has to do everything the safe or correct way.

Congratulations, you have finally made it to the end of the essay! I’m so proud of you.

If you enjoyed my essay, tell your friends, family, neighbors, and cats about it! In no way was this essay meant to offend anyone. It was all for laughs.

I understand many of my ideas of Netflixers could have been “wrong,” or you could be thinking, “I don’t do that.” But, trust me, I am all of these people mashed-up. Overall, this essay was to show how different we are as humans and how we must always respect and appreciate that we are not all the same.

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